I need rest. I need positivity. I need direction. I need some piece of mind. I need this winter break. I need to study hard. I need to pass my classes. I want good grades. I want to pass my AP tests. I want to be with my mother right now. I want to be what I desire to be. I want to sleep. I want to retrieve the inspiration I lost. I want to feel comfortable. I want you. I miss you. I want to lay on my bed next to you. I wish I weren't self-conscious. I wish I excelled at anything I do. I wish I weren't afraid of letting people in. I wish my home was nice. I wish I could be nearly as smart as you. I wish I could be close friends with you. I wish I could know what to do. But most of all, I hate not knowing.
1) "I've just been thinking too much lately." Seriously. Here presented through words is the account of an over analytical freak that inclines towards perfection. Again, how is achievement really achieved if there is no failure? I can not guess. I'm tired of being tired. The mind is known to do anything but synchronize thoughts. Stress. One more time. It eats you up. Just to help out a friend I told him, "Even if I sucked, I tell myself I did my best. That elevates my mood even if it's a bit". All the advice that is given is never followed by the giver. Don't you ever feel like being so utterly involved in your own bubble makes you become detached from all the REAL situations that are happening out there?
2) Oh hey, I sometimes doubt you, but I was told you might be just what I need. I was contemplating the notion, I still need to figure myself out. Despite my little cluttered up head, I smile because of the effortlessly adorable way you seem. Your character presents such an interesting image. "All I know is, I really enjoyed my time."
Haha don't worry, you still have time :) You know what I really feel? I wish there were some kind of place nearby where NO ONE went to. And if they did, it's because they got there by mistake and left. I'd like to go to that place and somehow make it my own. I've recently been wanting to take pictures of tall, thick trees with no leaves covered with moss.
So, sitting in solitude on my chair, elbow resting perpendicularly to desk, chin engraved to the unclean palm of my left hand, listening to Billie Holiday with who would have known; circulating thoughts. Oh yeah, did I mention I'm supposedly finishing my textbook notes and online test ? I've decided to give this a second go.
1. This goes to them : I'm not worth it. I don't think I am, so really, out of complete honesty, don't waste your time on me. I'll most likely limit myself because I'm not prepared for any type of commitment. My sole objective is what I strive for, and my goal is not looking too clear right now either. I'm a handful, quicker than you believe my change of mind will melt through your warm palm until the last subtle drop of resentment detaches from your fingers. I apologize.
2. After my late 2 am arrival last night, I told myself I loved someone. I'm afraid of it being true, or I just said it because the subject was deeply wounded to my mind. Either way, this little someone will have probably laughed at the thought of it, swearing it's a joke. I need to be more sure.
3. I don't know what to expect from you but I trust you so, _ ____ __ ___ _____ _ _________ ____. Yeah.
4. Recently, I did something I knew I should not have. Artificial feelings forced me to reciprocate from what a good friend keeps. I don't know if I should actually confess this because I'm afraid of the outcomes, I should have known better and been less self-absorbed. I disrespected a genuine person's feelings by exposing them to the least convenient source.
The crisp fog that surround every inch of you. Your body indulging in its misty taste. The freshest breath of the earth's atmosphere breathing all around you, AND to you. Standing such a small while should be the most eminent of experiences. Draped feelings bring such a pleasing gloom, but how would it feel if every single thought you've ever had of someone, you'd tell them straight out? Every little feeling. Every bit of ocurrence that's emerged in the tidal wave of thought. Whether it be brutal, unfaithful, hypocritical, beautiful, apathetic, trusting, guilty, comforting, anything.
1. I know that you think that in some way you'll be able to make me feel resentful with what you do, but I hope it doesn't break you to know that I'll never change my perspective. It'll just make me see you in a darker light. Sorry.
2. This weekend (like the rest), I've thought of it. And finally, I hope, just finally I've become truthful with the way I feel and not force myself to turn from it. Comfort's all there was, and I admittedly, was okay with it.
3. I want you to ask me already! You. Before anyone else. Truthfully. Honestly. Don't analyze and JUST DO IT! I don't even know why I've humbly and sincerely inclined towards you, I guess I'm just real excited for something new. Just to think about it makes me smile so please, HURRY UP!
4. I hope that my constant ambiguity doesn't make people dislike me. My practice of it is under heavy rotation, it must drive some of you sick if you take the time to read what I post.
5. I honestly dislike people that go to school without a purpose. If minimal effort is put forth, it's cool. But do it for the right reasons, damn it. It irritates me when people want to get good grades to get parents off their back, instead of doing it for themselves. Alright, I admit it's more difficult to do it for others than yourself. But subjectively, I believe that it's pointless. You're not really striving towards anything if you're taking freaking 6 AP classes to get "parents off your back". If your parents don't pressure you to take difficult classes, and all you want is to get them off your case, take regular courses. Why the hell would you just take difficult courses if you're completely indifferent about college!?!?
I'm tired of so many things. Today's passing has become an enormous blur, starting from the beginning of the day during French class when a friend pointed out a physical flaw of mine which most likely fulfilled her with satisfaction. Then her ceaseless routine of joking has emerged to me today, a snaking growth of exhaustion and angst internally developing. Now I feel that our bonding is utterly deficient. And today I embarassed myself once again, adding yet another paper to the pile in my drawer of embarassing moments. Or maybe I just embarass myself because I manage to look at it as an embarassing situation. Maybe I'm just the only one feeling this way and magnifying everything to a far extent. Confusion has just made a large factor recently, from the doubt of friendships to self-conciousness and lack of determination. It's time to wake up and motivate myself. ELEVATE myself. Insanity's irritation is a heavier weight than the resolutions one's able to commit to. Just tired of battling with myself and my surroundings. What happened to that positive feeling of intense commitment? I can feel autumn's air surfacing each and every coming day.