I get it

I'm just a teenager, and I still don't know much of you.

Of a message

from summer of last year. I was fourteen:

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Ag,
Date: Jul 8, 2008 11:05 PM


Haha don't worry, you still have time :)
You know what I really feel? I wish there were some kind of place nearby where NO ONE went to. And if they did, it's because they got there by mistake and left. I'd like to go to that place and somehow make it my own. I've recently been wanting to take pictures of tall, thick trees with no leaves covered with moss.

More than anything

I feel like traveling.

I hope some day

you'll join me.

I still look for your face.

Here we go

# 2

So, sitting in solitude on my chair, elbow resting perpendicularly to desk, chin engraved to the unclean palm of my left hand, listening to Billie Holiday with who would have known; circulating thoughts. Oh yeah, did I mention I'm supposedly finishing my textbook notes and online test ? I've decided to give this a second go.

1. This goes to them : I'm not worth it. I don't think I am, so really, out of complete honesty, don't waste your time on me. I'll most likely limit myself because I'm not prepared for any type of commitment. My sole objective is what I strive for, and my goal is not looking too clear right now either. I'm a handful, quicker than you believe my change of mind will melt through your warm palm until the last subtle drop of resentment detaches from your fingers. I apologize.

2. After my late 2 am arrival last night, I told myself I loved someone. I'm afraid of it being true, or I just said it because the subject was deeply wounded to my mind. Either way, this little someone will have probably laughed at the thought of it, swearing it's a joke. I need to be more sure.

3. I don't know what to expect from you but I trust you so, _ ____ __ ___ _____ _ _________ ____. Yeah.

4. Recently, I did something I knew I should not have. Artificial feelings forced me to reciprocate from what a good friend keeps. I don't know if I should actually confess this because I'm afraid of the outcomes, I should have known better and been less self-absorbed. I disrespected a genuine person's feelings by exposing them to the least convenient source.

Growing

distant. Wouldn't you like to hear the words I can't afford to say?

Comfort

The crisp fog that surround every inch of you. Your body indulging in its misty taste. The freshest breath of the earth's atmosphere breathing all around you, AND to you. Standing such a small while should be the most eminent of experiences. Draped feelings bring such a pleasing gloom, but how would it feel if every single thought you've ever had of someone, you'd tell them straight out? Every little feeling. Every bit of ocurrence that's emerged in the tidal wave of thought. Whether it be brutal, unfaithful, hypocritical, beautiful, apathetic, trusting, guilty, comforting, anything.

Mon dieu

Speechless.

What's on my mind

1. I know that you think that in some way you'll be able to make me feel resentful with what you do, but I hope it doesn't break you to know that I'll never change my perspective. It'll just make me see you in a darker light. Sorry.

2. This weekend (like the rest), I've thought of it. And finally, I hope, just finally I've become truthful with the way I feel and not force myself to turn from it. Comfort's all there was, and I admittedly, was okay with it.

3. I want you to ask me already! You. Before anyone else. Truthfully. Honestly. Don't analyze and JUST DO IT! I don't even know why I've humbly and sincerely inclined towards you, I guess I'm just real excited for something new. Just to think about it makes me smile so please, HURRY UP!

4. I hope that my constant ambiguity doesn't make people dislike me. My practice of it is under heavy rotation, it must drive some of you sick if you take the time to read what I post.

5. I honestly dislike people that go to school without a purpose. If minimal effort is put forth, it's cool. But do it for the right reasons, damn it. It irritates me when people want to get good grades to get parents off their back, instead of doing it for themselves. Alright, I admit it's more difficult to do it for others than yourself. But subjectively, I believe that it's pointless. You're not really striving towards anything if you're taking freaking 6 AP classes to get "parents off your back". If your parents don't pressure you to take difficult classes, and all you want is to get them off your case, take regular courses. Why the hell would you just take difficult courses if you're completely indifferent about college!?!?